Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A Mother's Journal

My mother-in-law bought me "A Mother's Journal" for Christmas 2010.  Inside the front cover, she wrote:
Dear Macrae,
As we all anticipate the joy of your expected little one, I'm hoping you'll enjoy several quiet moments of reflection, wonderings, thoughts and prayers. Time is so precious, and moments quietly spent are never wasted! (Alone, or together with those you love!)
Keep nurturing your God-given gift of writing.
Mom & Dad Wenger
For several months (especially during the EXTREME morning sickness days) I didn't do much of anything, but sleep and throw up. Writing/keeping a journal was something I couldn't physically do without getting sick.  However, recently, I've been reading books, articles, blogs about mothering, labor methods, breastfeeding, Gdiapers, etc.  And have finally been inspired (comfortable) to put my thoughts somewhere other than into my husbands half-listening ear (I prefer he isn't fully attentive when I'm talking about my crazy thoughts and fears...When he is watching baseball or playing playstation is the BEST time for moments like this!)

I admit, I haven't written a single word in the Journal.  When it comes to putting pen to paper, my mind freezes and my palms get sweaty (maybe MFA hasn't completely been flushed out of my system and I still get 'Stage Fright' at the thought of seeing MY WORDS on paper).  Yes, I do realize that as I type, these are MY WORDS and that this is technically a public forum, but I feel like writing in a book-pen to paper-is so permanent.  I am still self conscious about the idea of once I write it down, I can't hit the backspace button and start over.  I'm hoping to overcome this fear gradually-maybe starting with a pencil to paper first!-because I truly think that the written word (in real life handwriting) is so beautiful, poignant, and timeless.  

Even though I haven't written inside the journal, it has been by my bedside since I received it, and I read all of the quotes-some repeatedly (especially the inscription inside from my Momma Wenger) for insight, a good laugh, inspiration, and a sense of belonging into the strange and scary world of motherhood.

My husband took this picture during our (makeshift) maternity shoot.My first impression: 

I'm glad the giant tree makes me look so small. 
But then, that thought led to: 
I only have 3 months left until I will be a mother, and that makes me FEEL small.  
Which led to this thought:  
What kind of mother am I going to be? Am I going to remember what I like to do or am I going to be one of those mom's that is completely obsessed with her child and nothing else (Wait, I already AM totally obsessed with the little alien invasion inside me!).   
Which made me think of this quote: (see below picture)

"Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality-especially while you struggle to keep your own"

-Marguerite Kelly and Elia Parsons

I can't decide if this is a positive quote or a realistic-you-have-to-work-hard-to save-your-own-identity quote (much like many of the quotes on becoming a wife).  Since when did becoming a wife or mother turn into losing one's individuality...and maybe I think this way because my husband has always encouraged/supported/let me keep my individuality- even when it involved him attending poetry readings or watching chick flicks (that he secretly liked) I just love my husband!...or maybe it's because that I have made decisions to also join him in the things he enjoys and that make him, HIM (golf, baseball, golf) because I want to enjoy life together.  Having a baby isn't going to change who I am, but it is, at the same time...

From this day forward,

soon-to-be Mommy-Mac

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